World Mental Health Day 2019: Recurring thoughts by Xadi (Jesus College, 2018)

For #WorldMentalHealthDay, rapper and Cambridge University alumnus Patrick "Xadi" Sylla opens up about living with OCD and getting problems out of his head. This is "Recurring Thoughts" (lyrics below). #ItsOkNotToBeOk

If you, or someone you know, have been affected by mental health issues, for advice and support, visit: https://www.counselling.cam.ac.uk/selfhelp/newselhe

Lyrics to "Recurring Thoughts" by Xadi, recreated here with kind permission
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Couple things left to be said
Time to unpack all the stuff in my head

I was left stifled lying in my bed
Like my mind was starving
It needed to be fed
But I didn’t feed it
No else could could read it
Didn’t ever learn how to talk about my feelings

Mind set on breaking glass ceilings
Not being in a box
I was reeling last year coz I nearly lost my pops

But I still didn’t cry
I am not a cryer
Whoever told me that was a goddamn liar
But I didn’t cry then nor the 8 years prior
Man, it must have been an act like I was Mike Myers

Added fuel to the fire
Mind worn out like an old car tyre
Had one doubt but the doubts got wider
Wouldn't say what’s wrong till I burst and my brain retired

Mind went from clear to black like an iodine clock
I ignored all the problems but the problems wouldn’t stop
Opened up to my mum so I gotta thank god
But got no clue how I‘m gonna open up to the squad

18 when I clocked I had OCD
Like my whole world stopped knocked off my feet
These recurring thoughts that I just couldn’t make leave
I couldn’t do anything except think for weeks
I was basically broken, man I couldn’t sleep
Didn’t wanna see a doctor I couldn’t speak
Like, it will go on its own, if it don’t, then I know, I‘m admitting I am mentally weak
And this thing in my brain's got me
Mentally beat
To be honest that was something I had never seen
And I couldn’t really talk 'cos they’ll think I’m crazy
'Cos it doesn’t make sense to anyone but me

See, I couldn’t say this to my closest ones
I got a man complex like I gotta be strong
I got a tan complex when I’m walking along
Like, are they looking at my skin like I did something wrong?

But a month ago, me and my mates had a talk
About the problems in our heads, never done that before
I was left in awe, like real awe of ourselves
Like we had hidden all our troubles on the highest of shelves

Anxiety, depression – I thought everyone was fine
Took us 12 years till we could finally confide
If we did that earlier, could have been an easier ride
I guess that you live and you learn and that’s life

I don’t have any solutions
But maybe seeing me talkin' could ease up your mind
Opening up, one of my resolutions
I learnt it’s OK not to be fine